From Dixie, with LOVE...

Hey love. It's kinda warm and fuzzy today. It's been what, 5 days since I last saw you and I dunno why I’m missing you, so bad I wanna pull you out of my thoughts. That’s probably why I’ve decided to write about you, about us. 

Not to be cheesy or anything, I just wanna tell you everything I feel. In case I haven't told you yet, or haven't made you feel the total potential of my love yet. Here goes...

I Love You.

I don't wanna admit I like you, the first time I saw you, but at that moment, seeing you walk towards me, I was love stoned. Like I’m trying to decipher what you were thinking. If you like me too or you're just out there to play. But when you asked for my name that night, I almost spit the martini on you. Then you smiled and that's it. We danced the night away. Who wouldn’t like you're tall, yuppie, rich physique. I mean, like anyone in the gay world I know would die to have a bite out of that perfectly sculptured body. I was a mess that night, that first night we met. All drunk and make-up smudged. You were still smiling. That smile I won’t forget even if they let me smoke the harshest weed in the world. I was like, damn why the fuck are you smiling? Is my eyeliner on my cheeks now? Then you said, I was amazing (I was thinking then, you haven't seen the bed scene yet and you’re telling me I’m amazing). So the clingy me gave in. I was singing in my head "One Night" by The Corrs. But that night was my first disappointment. You took me home, gave me a kiss and then bye. So much for my happy ending huh.

I’m surprised you called the day after. And the day after that. And during the times that we're together. You never failed to make me feel how happy you are when you're with me. It was too good to be true, it still is till now. I still can't believe it's you, happening to me. It’s US.

Thank You.

Thank you for those times you just let me yell out of frustration form a fight or fatigue from work. You always know that one squeeze of my hand and one kiss will do the trick. Thank you for loving all my crazy friends. You know how much ties mean to me. Thank you for making my nanay laugh like I’ve never heard her laughed before. By the way, she followed your advice to color her hair blonde. Now she looks like short hair Coco Lee. Ha-ha Thank you for being that person I can be comfortable with, for telling me how good I look even without make up. Thank you for those little stuff like not going to sleep yet till I’m at work. Thank you for never failing to pick me up after work. You’re like my driver I didn't sign up for, you know. ;-) Thanks for cutting business trips when you miss me. And to top the perks of having you as a boyfriend, I just love it when you hold my hand in public, walking like a proud boyfriend. And I was like yelling inside my head "yes, I’m his bitch, bitches". I love the way you get mad at me whenever I curse at people, the way you purse your lips whenever you’re uncomfortable. And I love how I throw myself at you when you are mad and uncomfortable, hug you like there's no tomorrow. Thank you for being you, for loving me. You made me, continue making me, experience the love I never imagined existed. Minsan nga iniisip ko what good have I done to deserve you. We'll I guess I was like mother Theresa during my past life that I deserve a great karma in your form.  

Most of all, thank you for fixing me. Like a mechanic to a failing car, like a good Cardiologist to an ailing heart. I was a complete mess before I met you. Clinging to people for temporary love which I thought will last. Giving myself short of the love I think I deserve. Allowing people I thought who loved me treat me like shit. I almost lost myself in the process. I’m at the edge of giving up. THEN YOU CAME. You waited and patiently cured me. It’s like Tinkerbelle’s pixie dust, instant euphoria and complete sanity (yeah, the comparison is so gay, but so what). You gave me the medicine that once destroyed me, like that flu vaccine shot we were dreading to take. Love once wrecked me, then you showed me how it felt like. the things I forgot. the feelings I buried. You gave everything in exact proportion, if not overflowing. I wouldn’t go that way again coz I know I have you. I have us. 

Alam mo bang you're more than what I’ve prayed for? You are my answered prayer. A friend, a partner, a lover, a tamer, a fixer. All in one. 

I love you not only because of all the stuff I mentioned above. It's more than that. Reasons I can’t explain. Or probably, I can’t explain it because it transcends reason.  Every day with you is like a fairytale being written. I love how being quiet with you, cuddling, brings that satisfaction I’ve been always craving. Tranquility, Peace, Magic. At first I can’t believe it, being loved like this. You believed in me, and you made me believe in myself too.  I know you hate me cursing but I cannot think of any other word to intensify the feeling,

TANGINA, ANG SWERTE KO SA'YO! PARA KANG JACKPOT SA LOTTO! 

(You're like a lottery price and I'm lucky to have you)

And tonight, I’m bringing you back to the place where we first met. Only different, you are now in a place where you should be, in my heart. And me in yours. I'll never get tired of you. And about that question you asked 5 days ago that I said I’ll think about...

YES, I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. I LOVE YOU...

"To infinity and Beyond" - Buzz Lightyear

To My Future,

From Dixie, with LOVE…

Last Dance... Under The Pale Moonlight.

2:00 a.m.
Tired from work, i just got out of the van walking my way to our haus.
I-pod set to shuffle mode. then the music began to play.

"Oh-Ooh... So Much for my Happy Ending..."

As if on cue, my right hand began to move. from fingers... to wrist... to elbow...
on perfect synchrony from the cold breeze blowing on my face. Strong yet relaxing.
Then the left arm followed making a perfect line on a la seconde position. waving... a little bit of head bobbing.

"You were all the things i thought i new, and i thought we could be..."

My Upper trunk started to move on circular patterns. I feel light. maybe the moon's gravity is pulling me like the sea water on a high tide. then my legs started to get restless. a series of Battement fondu développé on a la seconde. then pique turns. I wonder if i'm doing it right. but who cares. i just wanna express what i feel.

"You were everything, everything that i wanted. we were meant to be supposed to be but we lost it..."

Slight head bobbing turned to violent banging. with free movements of the hands and body, a violent yet artistic scene like crumping turned lyrical. then a double pirouette. Turns... kicks... jumps... Head and arm throws... On a pale moon light. The wind spoke to me.

...You are a dancer...

It wasn't clear if it's a statement or an interrogation. still i continued dancing then i replied thru movement.
I used to believe i'm a dancer. with angst and all due respect. They made me feel and realize that i'm not after all.

"All this time i was pretending. so much for my happy ending"

On Right leg front extension with the left leg on fondu. Segue to arabesque, to enveloppe, a hitch turn then grand jete. I feel light. Then the wind spoke again.

...You are a dancer... But now you are dancing for yourself...

Then the lyrical movement continued to pour out of my body epressing angst, anger, frustrations. heavy movements yet each compliments and connects with each other. A right turn followed by right leg developpe a la seconde on flexed foot and head throw to the left. I feel the pain of each muscle as i stretch every single limb. but it's numbing and somehow soothing. This is my last dance.

On cue...
The music faded...
"So Much For My Happy Ending..."
I pressed the doorbell button..

"Tatay, I'm Home..."

CLUBBY

(n): From the Words Club and Hubby. Hence Clubby 




1. Someone you meet at a club Saturday night while you're doing your stuff on the dance floor. Will say Hi and will ask for your mobile number. 

2. Someone whom you will have a chain of text conversations the Sunday after with slight kilig and smile on your face everytime you hear the phone beep. 

3. Someone who will ask you out on Monday telling that you need a know-each-other-more converstion. Ofcourse you will decline coz it's a week starter. got lots of workin' to do. 

4. Someone who will get hurt on Tuesday because you refuse to go out with him the day before and will not text until the end of the day. "goodnight... miss u" 

5. Someone who will try his luck again on Wednesdayand will ask you to go to wednesday superclubs for a round of getting-to-know-you stuff. Ofcourse you'll go. 

6. Someone whom you'll wake up with Thursdaymorning and will try to start the day with an intelligent conversation but will end up in a steamy escapade before you hit the shower and go to work...Late. 

7. Someone whom you will not text the whole Fridaybecause he's not the type of guy for your consumption. Or your just making up an excuse because he is..... => 

8. Someone whom you will try to ditch on a Saturdaymorning beacuse it's the week end party at the Superclubs and you are in dire need of a new Clubby! 

How I Won Her Back: A Love Story (a repost)

So I received an email at work earlier with the subject "URGENT" from my self-confessed-hopeless-romantic-but-not-a-romantic-novel-fan friend Aris M. I thought it was really urgent, but then he sent me this mini-essay (as i call them) which i find interesting and share-worthy. The author, Christopher Hudspeth, and I share things in common like the style of writing and how emo we are all at the same time when it comes to love stuff. Maybe that is why i fell in love with this piece right away after reading it. I love tragedies. But don't get me wrong, im not JADED, im just CYNICAL! Here Goes....

----------------------------------------------------------

How I Won Her Back: A Love Story
By Christopher Hudspeth  

I’ve seen it happen in the movies countless times, so I know how it works. There are plenty of options here. Going to her home and gently tossing pebbles at her window until she is startled awake. When she pulls back the curtains she’ll be overwhelmed with joy to see me. I’ll say something beautifully romantic and everything will be peachy. Or perhaps it’ll be more intense than that; I’ll walk up to her as rain pours down heavily, soaking the both of us. We’ll argue briefly — but only out of love. Eventually the right words will be said, and we’ll embrace each other, kissing as barrages of raindrops pelt us and Maroon 5 plays in the background. It’ll be perfect.  

With much confidence in love and a strong faith, I begin the process of winning her back. I text her, she calls me; we plan a specific time to meet up and talk about things. The day is a blur. I can’t recall any details from the day because it’s as if nothing happens up until the moment I’m driving to see her. I hit every green light — is that an omen to go through with this? I’d like to think so.  

The ride is over quickly. I step out of the car catching a glance of the overcast and a whiff of the rainy air. It’s evident that it’ll be pouring soon, could this get any more perfect? I wish I’d noticed that then. It was suspicious how ideal things had gone. The ease of getting a hold of her, the simplicity of setting up a meeting, the green lights guiding me to her, and the flawless rain storm brewing in the skies above. This was unfolding in textbook, picture-perfect fashion.

 She comes outside to greet me. Her face makes it evident that she’s still hurt, but obviously glad to see me. We walk toward each other quickly and embrace. Never has a hug felt so good — this is heaven. I ramble hastily, pouring my heart out about how I truly feel. That I miss her more than any words can describe, that my love for her is infinite, and I don’t want to go through this crazy life, in this f-cked up world without her.  

The tears stream down her face as she explains her side of the story. She feels the same as I do, and in that moment I feel a sensation that makes me the happiest man on earth. To have thoroughly believed we were going to be apart for good, and to finally be back together — it was beautiful. People always say you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone, but that was never the case for me. I always knew how much I loved, cared for and valued this amazing woman — we just had a couple of recurring issues. But in that moment it didn’t matter what past conflicts we’ve dealt with, because we’re with each other and we’re going to get through this struggle.  

Then I hear something in the distance. It’s not thunder, although I wish it were. The noise is disappointingly familiar, but my mind struggles to recognize its exact origin and create an explanation. It grows closer, but I still can’t pinpoint it. I pull back from the hug to look at her, and slowly she starts dissolving. The sound begins consuming everything, echoing loudly, shaking the walls of the world. I try to tighten my hold of her but she continues to melt from my grasps. Something pulls me. Its grip is tight and she’s disintegrating out of my hands. I realize that I’m mentally incapable of holding on any longer. I succumb to its strength, being cruelly sucked out of a void. It was a dream. I’m awake now. The alarm continues ringing until I muster up the strength to roll over and shut it off. Heart wrenchingly disappointed, I’ve arrived back to reality. A loveless reality where I’ve won nothing, and still lost everything.

You Don’t Need To Be In A Relationship To Live Romantically

Once in a while I find myself sitting across from a couple, and I can’t help but think they are space aliens.
 
They’re cute together, and if we’re having dinner, they might do something painfully sweet, like ordering for each other and knowing exactly what to get. In between bites (fed to each other), they talk about their new apartment and the various perks of nesting. “We just got into candle making!” And every so often, they lock eyes, and that familiarity and comfort that emanates from them makes it incredibly easy to picture them 20, 40 years from now, still sitting on the same side of the table, ever steadfastly on the same wavelength.
 
Aliens! You two certainly aren’t from my planet, that’s for sure. Tell me, when does the mothership land?
 
I’ve been in love once, with someone who loved me back just as brutally, and that was a first-time thing, more of an infatuated addiction than anything. When I was happy with him, I was in heaven. And when I was sad, I wanted the world to end. After He left me, I was broken for a long time.
 
So if you ask some of my friends who knew me during that dark period, they might tell you that I burned out on love after that fiasco, that I developed a profound fear of intimacy.
 
It’s easy to write off a single person, regardless of his or her sexual orientation, as lacking in some way. I can only imagine what it is like for women, who are still being told that they are ticking biological time bombs. I have a firm theory that if it weren’t for baby guilt, women would rule the world today.
 
But now, with marriage equality hurtling toward reality, the queer community seemingly must come to terms with this age-old pairing off into twos. Soon it’ll be time for us to make it legal, as well. Supporters of marriage equality say that it actually preserves the nuclear American family, and they are right. But what about those of us who can’t fathom waking up next to the same person day after day?
 
Obviously, I am fiercely gunning for the day when all people can marry. That is a civil rights issue, and the fact that it needs to be voted on is going to be a shocking notion to our kids in a few decades.
 
What I have is a personal issue. I don’t want, or need, a boyfriend.
 
But what about romance? What about love? Companionship? The ideal human experience seems to be made for couples. My friend Sam, who is like a protective gay brother to me, once pulled me aside, his brow furrowed with concern, and asked me, “Don’t you want to be with someone? Who do you want to hold you when you die?”
 
It’s a sweepingly romantic thought, but leave it to Sam to make it a matter of life and death. He was so worried for me, as though I’d be incredibly lost unless I found someone.
 
So I used to ponder these questions, and I felt that there was something wrong with me. When people jokingly called me a slut, I laughed along with them, but inside I agreed.
 
A “slut” is what haters call a liberated person, and that’s what I am. I’m liberated. And the most liberating truth I’ve learned in the past few years has been this: You don’t need to be in a relationship to live your life romantically.
 
Despite my perpetually single status, I am a very romantic person. I can fall in love within a matter of minutes. I care deeply about people. Every corner I turn, I potentially face someone new, someone fascinating, even if it’s just for a few days. I’ve never had meaningless sex in my life.
 
And the times when I am most romantic is when I am with myself, loving myself and taking care of myself. I enjoy long walks on the beach as much as anyone else; I just like to do them alone. It’s taken me a long time to get to a point where I realize that my self-love is all I really need.

Because in the end it doesn’t matter if you’re committed or single, and it’s unlikely that you’ll get a say in who gets to hold you when it’s your time to go, or if you’re even held at all.
 
Personally, I just hope it’s someone who smells good.

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Your Own Way

Have you ever regret things so bad that your only option is either turning back time or just stopping it to stop the pain.

Well i did, i still do.

It wasn't really love at first sight. Pero it grew to something that even i didnt expect i would feel. It started late january 2007, naisip ko birthday gift saken ni god.

Everyday we're together, noon ko lang naramdaman yung magical experience na when he looks at you, even without saying a word, alam mong grabe yung love. Hindi sya yung tipong madaming salita, pero over delivered. He didnt met my expectations, he was far better than what i expected.

Everything was surreal. Picking me up after work, planning my day ahead, letting me fall asleep on his arms, waking up with him staring at me. Kala ko dati sa movies lang nangyayari. I must admit i became complacent and comfortable. I let small things pass without saying thank you. Random sweet things pass without being appreciated. Even when we fight, he was always the level headed one to patch things up between us. But i didnt put it up without making him suffer. Those were the days i felt i took his love for granted. Nasasaktan ako na nakikita syang nasasaktan. Pero back den, mas importante yung pride kaya minsan, hinahayaan ko nalang. It was so arrogant on my side but he didnt care, all he cared about was us, together.

So everything went perfectly after the 2nd year of our relationship. I have to say both of us became mature in dealing with our emotions. No more petty quarrels, no more childish moodswings. It was perfect. That at that point in my life, i told myself that this is the life that i want till i die. It hit me that even tho i seldom go to church, God blessed me with a wonderful man. Who loves me, who thinks everything about me is perfect, who thinks my imperfections are still perfect. Nobody looked at me the way he did. I even wrote a wedding vow that i dint tell him coz he might freak out. He's not a big fan of weddings. Even now, remembering those bouts of heaven that i used to feel gives me chills. I was loved. True and unconditional. A love that didnt judge. A love i can trust.

Things happened, and all was out of our own control. He flew back to CA and i was left here. First it was supposed to be 3 months. That became 6, then to 1 year. I swallowed everything. But it became too much. It was then when i decided to just call it off. It involved days of hard thinking. As most of my friends know, it's not about the long distance thing that killed me, its the fact that he wants to live his life there, and im not a part of it.

Ngayon ko lang sasabihin to. The real reason why i broke up with him is not because of my selfish needs of being with him, it's because i came to this realization that he already gave 2 maybe 3 years of his life living for me. Maybe it's about time na i let him live his life for himself. A selfless but really painful decision on my part. I want things to be easy for the both of us so i tried dating people i dont even like and deliberately let him know so he'll get mad at me and go on with his life without thinking of me. He did go on. But i cant.

Hindi ko akalain na dadarating sa part na kasama pala sa living his life ang palitan ako. We'll i know i shouldve anticipated that. Pero wala naman nag sabi sakin na ganon pala kasakit. Na those happy, love quotes were used to be mine. Thinking na ako dapat yung katabi nya bago sya matulog, and sya dapat yung una kong makikita after ko gumising. I remember one break up that we had before, sabi saken nung friend nya, the break up was the easiest part, yung mahirap, pag isa samen nag move on na. With somebody else. I just shrugged it off coz back then i didnt understand what she was talking about. Now i do.

Now i dont know where to start. Im broken as hell. Its like all my dreams of fairy tales and true love came all in a landslide, crushing me. Well, wala na kong magagawa jan.

Ako dapat yan e. Ako dapat yung nagpapasaya sa kanya e. Ako dapat yung sinasabihan nya pag bad day sya sa work or pag may masaya sa araw nya e.
Ako dapat yung sinasabihan nya ng mga ganyan e.

If part of living your life for yourself means living it again inloved with somebody else, then i guess i just have to deal with it.

I'll miss you.

(this will be the last time ill be writing about this, about us. I just have to let everything out)

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The Alcoholic Diary

*a repost from my old blog*

04.25.09
6pm +8 GMT



...Di ako mapakali. Sana 930 na so i can dress up and go to the club. but wala akong choice. i waited. pour myself a glass of vodka+sprite and cherry syrup.
...Then another glass.
 
7 pm, still on the same timezone, what do u expect.
...Choosing what to wear with my mom's favorite apple bacardi with mountain dew. sarap sobra. I had 2 glasses.
...waited till 930.
...tossed and turned on the couch, ate dinner then finally.
 
930 pm
... Took a bath, fix my hair, put my liner and my Bronzer on, still with apple bacardi on my make up table.
...after an hour, swoooosh... perfection. and I'm ready go.
... finally 1 sip and a puff of marls. 30 mins after i was at "the spot"
 
11pm.
...Strong ice, one after the other. saw some friends there who kept giving me jager shots, cuervo, even patron. and i'm lovin it. party on.
...An hour later, i was so fucked up and this dude gave me a glass of freakin long island iced tea for a dance showdown with his cousin. syempre alcohol, i said yes.
...Everything was blurry na. All i can hear are people screaming and cheering. And eto pa mga weirdest things na naalala ko.
+Parang somehow napunta ko sa ilalim ng mesa while doing the shitty showdown coz i can remember how it looked like, vividly.
+I was doing the bottle pop dance by PCD, yung naka split tapos nagbbounce. damn! and  did it with jeans on.
+a cartwheel, that i remember. but some sort of rolling around followed. so i got nauseated.
+i remember slapping some gay guy a couple of times in the face. i don't know why.

Probably 2am
... I got probably tired from all the dancing and rolling around. so i sat on the bar and guess what i ordered.
yes... LONG ISLAND ICED TEA.
...
...I lost track of time already. the next thing i know is that i was going out of the bar. everything went to black... yes folks, i passed out on a freakin pavement.
...
...
When i opened my eyes. I wasn't on my bed. I don't even know who's bed that was. I can't even stand up coz my knees are swollen like hell and i have the worst hangover one can imagine.
 
04.26.09
10am
...I called my friend to pick me up. there i got home safe.
...Sinumpa ko ba alcohol?...
Nah. i don't think so. can't wait for the weekend to party and get pretty fucked up again.
But no more dance showdowns and swollen knees, i Promise. ;-)

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You Look Good Together

I saw you two together on the same cafe I'm in.

I have to say you look good together.

How many years have passed since we broke up? 2 years? 6 years? I've lost count

I don't care if it were a ten or a hundred. Time doesn't even changed a thing for me

I still feel the same.

Pathetic isn't it? How everyone managed to move on except for me. My friends will surely laugh if I told them the sight of you still takes my breath away. I can already see them with their mouths wide open, staring at me as if I just said the most ridiculous thing on earth. They would never take this shit from me. I'm not known to be someone with a short attention span for nothing. I always get tired of everything.

Everything except YOU.

I still lose my breath whenever I see you. I remember everything about you.

I recall the days when you used to live for me.

The way you tilted your head whenever you get clueless

The way you drink alcohol like there is no tomorrow.

The way you look at me as if I was the most beautiful person in the world.

Funny, I never thought that remembering something so good would cause so much pain. I know it was my fault why we broke up, i was even the one who broke up with you. What i thought I could live without back then, i live for now. Isn't it jus hilarious how you used to live for me and I couldn't care any less? You begged me to take you back but the bitchy me that I was couldn't see the point.

I just don't want you anymore

But who's alone now? Who's the one with forlorn thoughts trying to make sense out of things that will never make sense?

"You look good together", that's what people usually say when we were still together.

But that's the problem, we're not together anymore. Everything is over. 

And I'm still here.

As I watch you play with his hair two booths from me, I have to say that you're happy. I've never seen you smile the way you are smiling now.

Maybe I should go.

I stole one last look at you before I go...

You really look good together.

"How lucky I am to have known someone who is so hard to say goodbye to..."

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