CLUBBY

(n): From the Words Club and Hubby. Hence Clubby 




1. Someone you meet at a club Saturday night while you're doing your stuff on the dance floor. Will say Hi and will ask for your mobile number. 

2. Someone whom you will have a chain of text conversations the Sunday after with slight kilig and smile on your face everytime you hear the phone beep. 

3. Someone who will ask you out on Monday telling that you need a know-each-other-more converstion. Ofcourse you will decline coz it's a week starter. got lots of workin' to do. 

4. Someone who will get hurt on Tuesday because you refuse to go out with him the day before and will not text until the end of the day. "goodnight... miss u" 

5. Someone who will try his luck again on Wednesdayand will ask you to go to wednesday superclubs for a round of getting-to-know-you stuff. Ofcourse you'll go. 

6. Someone whom you'll wake up with Thursdaymorning and will try to start the day with an intelligent conversation but will end up in a steamy escapade before you hit the shower and go to work...Late. 

7. Someone whom you will not text the whole Fridaybecause he's not the type of guy for your consumption. Or your just making up an excuse because he is..... => 

8. Someone whom you will try to ditch on a Saturdaymorning beacuse it's the week end party at the Superclubs and you are in dire need of a new Clubby! 

How I Won Her Back: A Love Story (a repost)

So I received an email at work earlier with the subject "URGENT" from my self-confessed-hopeless-romantic-but-not-a-romantic-novel-fan friend Aris M. I thought it was really urgent, but then he sent me this mini-essay (as i call them) which i find interesting and share-worthy. The author, Christopher Hudspeth, and I share things in common like the style of writing and how emo we are all at the same time when it comes to love stuff. Maybe that is why i fell in love with this piece right away after reading it. I love tragedies. But don't get me wrong, im not JADED, im just CYNICAL! Here Goes....

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How I Won Her Back: A Love Story
By Christopher Hudspeth  

I’ve seen it happen in the movies countless times, so I know how it works. There are plenty of options here. Going to her home and gently tossing pebbles at her window until she is startled awake. When she pulls back the curtains she’ll be overwhelmed with joy to see me. I’ll say something beautifully romantic and everything will be peachy. Or perhaps it’ll be more intense than that; I’ll walk up to her as rain pours down heavily, soaking the both of us. We’ll argue briefly — but only out of love. Eventually the right words will be said, and we’ll embrace each other, kissing as barrages of raindrops pelt us and Maroon 5 plays in the background. It’ll be perfect.  

With much confidence in love and a strong faith, I begin the process of winning her back. I text her, she calls me; we plan a specific time to meet up and talk about things. The day is a blur. I can’t recall any details from the day because it’s as if nothing happens up until the moment I’m driving to see her. I hit every green light — is that an omen to go through with this? I’d like to think so.  

The ride is over quickly. I step out of the car catching a glance of the overcast and a whiff of the rainy air. It’s evident that it’ll be pouring soon, could this get any more perfect? I wish I’d noticed that then. It was suspicious how ideal things had gone. The ease of getting a hold of her, the simplicity of setting up a meeting, the green lights guiding me to her, and the flawless rain storm brewing in the skies above. This was unfolding in textbook, picture-perfect fashion.

 She comes outside to greet me. Her face makes it evident that she’s still hurt, but obviously glad to see me. We walk toward each other quickly and embrace. Never has a hug felt so good — this is heaven. I ramble hastily, pouring my heart out about how I truly feel. That I miss her more than any words can describe, that my love for her is infinite, and I don’t want to go through this crazy life, in this f-cked up world without her.  

The tears stream down her face as she explains her side of the story. She feels the same as I do, and in that moment I feel a sensation that makes me the happiest man on earth. To have thoroughly believed we were going to be apart for good, and to finally be back together — it was beautiful. People always say you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone, but that was never the case for me. I always knew how much I loved, cared for and valued this amazing woman — we just had a couple of recurring issues. But in that moment it didn’t matter what past conflicts we’ve dealt with, because we’re with each other and we’re going to get through this struggle.  

Then I hear something in the distance. It’s not thunder, although I wish it were. The noise is disappointingly familiar, but my mind struggles to recognize its exact origin and create an explanation. It grows closer, but I still can’t pinpoint it. I pull back from the hug to look at her, and slowly she starts dissolving. The sound begins consuming everything, echoing loudly, shaking the walls of the world. I try to tighten my hold of her but she continues to melt from my grasps. Something pulls me. Its grip is tight and she’s disintegrating out of my hands. I realize that I’m mentally incapable of holding on any longer. I succumb to its strength, being cruelly sucked out of a void. It was a dream. I’m awake now. The alarm continues ringing until I muster up the strength to roll over and shut it off. Heart wrenchingly disappointed, I’ve arrived back to reality. A loveless reality where I’ve won nothing, and still lost everything.

You Don’t Need To Be In A Relationship To Live Romantically

Once in a while I find myself sitting across from a couple, and I can’t help but think they are space aliens.
 
They’re cute together, and if we’re having dinner, they might do something painfully sweet, like ordering for each other and knowing exactly what to get. In between bites (fed to each other), they talk about their new apartment and the various perks of nesting. “We just got into candle making!” And every so often, they lock eyes, and that familiarity and comfort that emanates from them makes it incredibly easy to picture them 20, 40 years from now, still sitting on the same side of the table, ever steadfastly on the same wavelength.
 
Aliens! You two certainly aren’t from my planet, that’s for sure. Tell me, when does the mothership land?
 
I’ve been in love once, with someone who loved me back just as brutally, and that was a first-time thing, more of an infatuated addiction than anything. When I was happy with him, I was in heaven. And when I was sad, I wanted the world to end. After He left me, I was broken for a long time.
 
So if you ask some of my friends who knew me during that dark period, they might tell you that I burned out on love after that fiasco, that I developed a profound fear of intimacy.
 
It’s easy to write off a single person, regardless of his or her sexual orientation, as lacking in some way. I can only imagine what it is like for women, who are still being told that they are ticking biological time bombs. I have a firm theory that if it weren’t for baby guilt, women would rule the world today.
 
But now, with marriage equality hurtling toward reality, the queer community seemingly must come to terms with this age-old pairing off into twos. Soon it’ll be time for us to make it legal, as well. Supporters of marriage equality say that it actually preserves the nuclear American family, and they are right. But what about those of us who can’t fathom waking up next to the same person day after day?
 
Obviously, I am fiercely gunning for the day when all people can marry. That is a civil rights issue, and the fact that it needs to be voted on is going to be a shocking notion to our kids in a few decades.
 
What I have is a personal issue. I don’t want, or need, a boyfriend.
 
But what about romance? What about love? Companionship? The ideal human experience seems to be made for couples. My friend Sam, who is like a protective gay brother to me, once pulled me aside, his brow furrowed with concern, and asked me, “Don’t you want to be with someone? Who do you want to hold you when you die?”
 
It’s a sweepingly romantic thought, but leave it to Sam to make it a matter of life and death. He was so worried for me, as though I’d be incredibly lost unless I found someone.
 
So I used to ponder these questions, and I felt that there was something wrong with me. When people jokingly called me a slut, I laughed along with them, but inside I agreed.
 
A “slut” is what haters call a liberated person, and that’s what I am. I’m liberated. And the most liberating truth I’ve learned in the past few years has been this: You don’t need to be in a relationship to live your life romantically.
 
Despite my perpetually single status, I am a very romantic person. I can fall in love within a matter of minutes. I care deeply about people. Every corner I turn, I potentially face someone new, someone fascinating, even if it’s just for a few days. I’ve never had meaningless sex in my life.
 
And the times when I am most romantic is when I am with myself, loving myself and taking care of myself. I enjoy long walks on the beach as much as anyone else; I just like to do them alone. It’s taken me a long time to get to a point where I realize that my self-love is all I really need.

Because in the end it doesn’t matter if you’re committed or single, and it’s unlikely that you’ll get a say in who gets to hold you when it’s your time to go, or if you’re even held at all.
 
Personally, I just hope it’s someone who smells good.

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Your Own Way

Have you ever regret things so bad that your only option is either turning back time or just stopping it to stop the pain.

Well i did, i still do.

It wasn't really love at first sight. Pero it grew to something that even i didnt expect i would feel. It started late january 2007, naisip ko birthday gift saken ni god.

Everyday we're together, noon ko lang naramdaman yung magical experience na when he looks at you, even without saying a word, alam mong grabe yung love. Hindi sya yung tipong madaming salita, pero over delivered. He didnt met my expectations, he was far better than what i expected.

Everything was surreal. Picking me up after work, planning my day ahead, letting me fall asleep on his arms, waking up with him staring at me. Kala ko dati sa movies lang nangyayari. I must admit i became complacent and comfortable. I let small things pass without saying thank you. Random sweet things pass without being appreciated. Even when we fight, he was always the level headed one to patch things up between us. But i didnt put it up without making him suffer. Those were the days i felt i took his love for granted. Nasasaktan ako na nakikita syang nasasaktan. Pero back den, mas importante yung pride kaya minsan, hinahayaan ko nalang. It was so arrogant on my side but he didnt care, all he cared about was us, together.

So everything went perfectly after the 2nd year of our relationship. I have to say both of us became mature in dealing with our emotions. No more petty quarrels, no more childish moodswings. It was perfect. That at that point in my life, i told myself that this is the life that i want till i die. It hit me that even tho i seldom go to church, God blessed me with a wonderful man. Who loves me, who thinks everything about me is perfect, who thinks my imperfections are still perfect. Nobody looked at me the way he did. I even wrote a wedding vow that i dint tell him coz he might freak out. He's not a big fan of weddings. Even now, remembering those bouts of heaven that i used to feel gives me chills. I was loved. True and unconditional. A love that didnt judge. A love i can trust.

Things happened, and all was out of our own control. He flew back to CA and i was left here. First it was supposed to be 3 months. That became 6, then to 1 year. I swallowed everything. But it became too much. It was then when i decided to just call it off. It involved days of hard thinking. As most of my friends know, it's not about the long distance thing that killed me, its the fact that he wants to live his life there, and im not a part of it.

Ngayon ko lang sasabihin to. The real reason why i broke up with him is not because of my selfish needs of being with him, it's because i came to this realization that he already gave 2 maybe 3 years of his life living for me. Maybe it's about time na i let him live his life for himself. A selfless but really painful decision on my part. I want things to be easy for the both of us so i tried dating people i dont even like and deliberately let him know so he'll get mad at me and go on with his life without thinking of me. He did go on. But i cant.

Hindi ko akalain na dadarating sa part na kasama pala sa living his life ang palitan ako. We'll i know i shouldve anticipated that. Pero wala naman nag sabi sakin na ganon pala kasakit. Na those happy, love quotes were used to be mine. Thinking na ako dapat yung katabi nya bago sya matulog, and sya dapat yung una kong makikita after ko gumising. I remember one break up that we had before, sabi saken nung friend nya, the break up was the easiest part, yung mahirap, pag isa samen nag move on na. With somebody else. I just shrugged it off coz back then i didnt understand what she was talking about. Now i do.

Now i dont know where to start. Im broken as hell. Its like all my dreams of fairy tales and true love came all in a landslide, crushing me. Well, wala na kong magagawa jan.

Ako dapat yan e. Ako dapat yung nagpapasaya sa kanya e. Ako dapat yung sinasabihan nya pag bad day sya sa work or pag may masaya sa araw nya e.
Ako dapat yung sinasabihan nya ng mga ganyan e.

If part of living your life for yourself means living it again inloved with somebody else, then i guess i just have to deal with it.

I'll miss you.

(this will be the last time ill be writing about this, about us. I just have to let everything out)

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The Alcoholic Diary

*a repost from my old blog*

04.25.09
6pm +8 GMT



...Di ako mapakali. Sana 930 na so i can dress up and go to the club. but wala akong choice. i waited. pour myself a glass of vodka+sprite and cherry syrup.
...Then another glass.
 
7 pm, still on the same timezone, what do u expect.
...Choosing what to wear with my mom's favorite apple bacardi with mountain dew. sarap sobra. I had 2 glasses.
...waited till 930.
...tossed and turned on the couch, ate dinner then finally.
 
930 pm
... Took a bath, fix my hair, put my liner and my Bronzer on, still with apple bacardi on my make up table.
...after an hour, swoooosh... perfection. and I'm ready go.
... finally 1 sip and a puff of marls. 30 mins after i was at "the spot"
 
11pm.
...Strong ice, one after the other. saw some friends there who kept giving me jager shots, cuervo, even patron. and i'm lovin it. party on.
...An hour later, i was so fucked up and this dude gave me a glass of freakin long island iced tea for a dance showdown with his cousin. syempre alcohol, i said yes.
...Everything was blurry na. All i can hear are people screaming and cheering. And eto pa mga weirdest things na naalala ko.
+Parang somehow napunta ko sa ilalim ng mesa while doing the shitty showdown coz i can remember how it looked like, vividly.
+I was doing the bottle pop dance by PCD, yung naka split tapos nagbbounce. damn! and  did it with jeans on.
+a cartwheel, that i remember. but some sort of rolling around followed. so i got nauseated.
+i remember slapping some gay guy a couple of times in the face. i don't know why.

Probably 2am
... I got probably tired from all the dancing and rolling around. so i sat on the bar and guess what i ordered.
yes... LONG ISLAND ICED TEA.
...
...I lost track of time already. the next thing i know is that i was going out of the bar. everything went to black... yes folks, i passed out on a freakin pavement.
...
...
When i opened my eyes. I wasn't on my bed. I don't even know who's bed that was. I can't even stand up coz my knees are swollen like hell and i have the worst hangover one can imagine.
 
04.26.09
10am
...I called my friend to pick me up. there i got home safe.
...Sinumpa ko ba alcohol?...
Nah. i don't think so. can't wait for the weekend to party and get pretty fucked up again.
But no more dance showdowns and swollen knees, i Promise. ;-)

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You Look Good Together

I saw you two together on the same cafe I'm in.

I have to say you look good together.

How many years have passed since we broke up? 2 years? 6 years? I've lost count

I don't care if it were a ten or a hundred. Time doesn't even changed a thing for me

I still feel the same.

Pathetic isn't it? How everyone managed to move on except for me. My friends will surely laugh if I told them the sight of you still takes my breath away. I can already see them with their mouths wide open, staring at me as if I just said the most ridiculous thing on earth. They would never take this shit from me. I'm not known to be someone with a short attention span for nothing. I always get tired of everything.

Everything except YOU.

I still lose my breath whenever I see you. I remember everything about you.

I recall the days when you used to live for me.

The way you tilted your head whenever you get clueless

The way you drink alcohol like there is no tomorrow.

The way you look at me as if I was the most beautiful person in the world.

Funny, I never thought that remembering something so good would cause so much pain. I know it was my fault why we broke up, i was even the one who broke up with you. What i thought I could live without back then, i live for now. Isn't it jus hilarious how you used to live for me and I couldn't care any less? You begged me to take you back but the bitchy me that I was couldn't see the point.

I just don't want you anymore

But who's alone now? Who's the one with forlorn thoughts trying to make sense out of things that will never make sense?

"You look good together", that's what people usually say when we were still together.

But that's the problem, we're not together anymore. Everything is over. 

And I'm still here.

As I watch you play with his hair two booths from me, I have to say that you're happy. I've never seen you smile the way you are smiling now.

Maybe I should go.

I stole one last look at you before I go...

You really look good together.

"How lucky I am to have known someone who is so hard to say goodbye to..."

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Year End Thank You's - Insane. Unstable. Fabulous.

Insane... Unstable... Fab...


If there will be 3 words to sum up the year 2011, these should be it.


And I think this is the perfect time to look back and thank the people who have touched and changed my life, one way or the other.


Pero minsan nakakapgod din mag english sa mga blog, so let me express my self in best jologs way i can. Tag-gay-lish OK?!


Di ko rin alam kung bakit teary eyed ako while writing this blog. It just that when i look back, andaming taong nanakit saken, pero ngayon ko lang narealize na mas marami pala yung nagmamahal. We sometimes really have to count the blessings.


I. Negapeeps

You guys are undoubtedly the best work peers I've ever had.


Thank you sa non-stop, overflowing food all day everyday. For sharing your deepest darkest secrets and Jolliest happiest thoughts.


Sa mga tawanan, asaran, (in fairness wala mashado iyakan, si Kris Anne Agarao lang ang may moments), samga kagaguhan, mga pick up lines, sa mga nagkainlovan.


Special mention to people who really helped me grow. Ate Lanie, ikaw ang role model ko for patience and hardwork. Kay Sheng "Nymfa", please don't change at bumalik ka kagad kasi marami kang lalaban. Haidee, sa food mong masarap. Anna and Ady, for being living proof that one can be happy again. kay Agarao na laging pinapasaya ang araw ko. Kay weng na laging binubwiset ang araw ko, para may mapag chismisan sa hydro. Sa mga med sec na walang sawang naghahanap ng mga nawawala at namimissplace ko na charts. Kay Ronan (yihee). Kay Marse Ainna and Timmy for the ANTM Gossip Girl sessions pag friday. Kay ces na matampuhin. Haha. Love kita alam mo yan! Kay Cham, Alex Ken and Krone na mga Alcoholic! 


Sa mga umalis at aalis, i will miss you. Karlos, miss Tina Lorelle, Armi JP, Hazel. Yul bilang magrorotate ka naman sa clinic di na kita isasama sa mga namimiss ko.


I love you guys, super! 




II. The PARTY People 



It's not at all just party and happy times. 
Thank You Via, Zara, Elois and Dennis for laughing WITH me ,and for laughing AT me pag nagdadrama at nagjjoke ako. For the countless times na ginagago naten si marga, haha. There are times na nagugulat at nattouch ako that you understand me even if... i know you guys know what i mean. haha 

Marga, Gab, Cheska and Jaeil thank you for being fair and understanding me. Laugh and drink with me. I look forward to next year at sana di na kuripot si marga.
Sometimes It's not the number of times we spend together. I just find it amazing how we hang out, not caring about everything, anything, just having fun. QUALITY times!




To Abbi, Sasha, Shyle, Fatima and Billy. The times with you guys are part of the "bestest" memories i have for 2011. Thank You for the fun memories.


All the best for us this 2012. :)


Possibly the most "totoo" na mga taong nakilala ko. No pretentions, walang maarte, walang poser. I'm just glad Paul introduced me to these great people.


Lands, Mark-0, Marklester, JR, Yann, Richard, Adrian, Marky, Chef Eddie, Chardee, VS Angel Archie, Madam June, Mac, and the rest.


Thank You for making my 2011 gay and colorful.
And Para matapos na, wala po akong crush sa MGG ok! haha :)


III. The Original Coyotes


There are moments in my life when i don't want people to see how i look or how i act. These people are the fortunate ones to see the baliw side of me, and yet, 20 years and they're still here.
You guys are like my brothers from another mother.


Benet, Maraming salamat for always being there when i need you. no matter how hopeless my case is. or how silly the reason is. still you are there. kahit pinaglalakad mo kami ni Vivas around ortigas most of the time, i love you nonetheless.


Aris, for the secrets and tears. I always feel like i'm in High school when i'm with you. Thank you for being bubbly and young when everything else is faling. That's your magic.


Vasia, ang roomie/kasambahay ko. I really do appreciate you patience sa mga kalat ko. haha looking forward to another year living with you.




Jaja, You have no idea how thankful i am having you as a friend. Salamat for supporting all my decisions, help me correct the wrong ones. thank you for making me believe that i can still find true love. Thank you sharing those thoughts that really helped me (The Secret). Thank you for trusting me with secrets only brothers and sisters could share. You're the sweetest. I wish you and Jose all the best this coming year.




IV. The BALIWags

Eto na yung mga jologs yet fierce kong circle. haha. I feel really at home when i am with them. Pag may problema, PAK! tawa... Pag masaya, PAK! tawa again...


BFF, Sobrang thank you for making me believe that i can dance again. You and ADDLIB are such an inspiration to me. Sa pag intindi mo sa lukaluka mode ko bilang lukaluka ka rin! :) Madalang man tayong magkita because of the lives that we choose, nevertheless. Mahal kita, your family and you other family, ADDLIB (you guys make people believe in the power of dreams). Please you continue on inspiring people and doing what you guys are good at. Im not just ur bff, i'm also a fan. pa-autograph naman girl. haha


JP, alam no na yan teh. sobrang miss na miss na kitang shet ka. Life was so hard since you left, mas masakit palang iwan ng true friend kesa iwan ng jowa. oh well. The Last months that you were here were the best. Remember Bora. Sobrang Thank you sa lahat ng sakit ng tyan sa tawa and sakit ng ulo sa hang over. haha. Teh pag na bbore ka jan, skype me lang ok. I'll see you soon JP. to be continued ang mga kagaguhan naten :)

E eto na talaga ang basehan ng kalokohan. haha. Uy joan maraming salamat for the countless shitless carefree nights. Isama na din naten sa thank you si Jasper, baka kasi magtampo. You guys are part of the circle i can not live without. Joan the Bora days were the best! i swear! More fun moments, less cry moments to come. Labyu.

Eto pa ang isang Flor contemplacion na namimiss ko. Thank you for tweeting me hot pics of boys na nakakasakay mo sa train. very good na pang almusal yan. Thank you when you tell me your heartaches and Your happiness, i feel like i am wanted and i belong. thank you for being sweet and boba sometimes. nakakatawa kasi e. Hay I miss the old us starting from top to this point. oh well. i'll see you soon too.

Sa aking mga kaibigang putik. Leeyhan, Ian and Patiey. Thanks for making me feel the Southern side. ang masasabi ko lang is Frank ampayat mo sa pic na toh. kaya eto ang pinili ko para maalala mong title holder ka dati. haha.


Pwera gigi, we guys are unbeatable when we're together kasama ng iba pang BALIWags. thank you for being the fun/nakakairitang tao sa buhay ko. I wont chose any other way to live my life other than the one i had with you. 




V. NCO Temps



For 45 days, I met awesome people who can jive to my awesomeness.
Thank You Ali, Ruth, Pearl, Mike, Jayson, Pie, Bie and George. You guys are the best.
Kay Kirk Beltran na nagrefer saken, dapat hati tayo sa referral fee girl haha.
Kay Baebrix Busto, thank you.
Kay Boss Celeste Amor, Godbless sa baby mo.
At kay TL Fred ng .co.uk, ampogi mo. hahaha


Ron and Justin fan ako. hehe thank you guys.


Kay JM, goodluck sa medschool, i admire your perseverance to follow your dream.


Sa mga di nabanggit, wag magtampo. pwede ko pa naman i-edit toh. sabihin nyo nalang kung anong mga pagbati nyo. hahahaha


Alak pa. Gow.




VI. Heartaches and Heartmends


No more issues ok. I'm just thankful for the lessons I've learned.


1. Wag maniniwala basta basta esp pag sinungaling (ampalaya)
2. Makinig kay LeAnn Rhymes when she said, "Shame on you if you fool me once, Shame on me if you fool me twice, Thrice, four five six times" 
3. Nothing lasts forever.
4. If God closes a big door he opens a small window.


I'm just glad i've been to hell and now i'm back.


Bigger... Better... Slimmer...


(This video is inspirational to me, kahit 20 sec lang sya, i feel that it tells everything.)







Then You came along...
Thank you dahil unti unti mong tinatama yung mga mali sa buhay ko.
Thank you for making me smile kahit bwiset ang araw ko.
Thank You for the patience pag brat mode ako.
Thank you for understanding my mood swings pag gutom ako...


Pwede naman palang sumaya ulet.
Hindi talaga dapat hinahanap ang love, mas lalong di dapat hinihintay. dadating pala sya talaga lalo na pag busyng-busy ka.


I Love You Lovelife!

Cheers for the years ahead of us!




VII. Oh Well, Deep Well...


It has been a great Year. My hopes are high for the year 2012, alam kong hindi pa end of the world kasi yung Argentina Corned beef dito sa bahay 2013 pa ang expiration, so dear friends, aabot pa tayo...


Magtatagal pa tayo...


I LOVE YOU ALL. :)


Cheers for all the Insanity, Joy and Glamour ahead...


Kaya ikaw 2012, UMAYOS KA!!!!


Give mo na samen toh...