Lumipas na ang ingay ng gabi.
Tumingala sa langit, hiniling ika'y makatabi.
Pag lingon ko sa 'king kanan, nandun ka.
Naghihintay din palang ako'y makasama.
Kamay mo saki'y nakahawak
Ulo ko sa'yong balikat
Sa pagsikat ng umaga,
unti unting binubuo ang ating hinaharap.
Hindi ako makapaniwalang sakin ito'y nagaganap.
Bawat sandaling sa pelikula lang nahahanap.
Hiniling ko lang nama'y simpleng buhay,
ngunit binigay ng Dyos aking pangarap.
Nariyan na ang araw, sa silangan aking natatanaw.
Mga mata mong saki'y nakatingin, sa loob ko'y pumupukaw.
Sigurado na ba ko sa nararamdaman?
Mahal kita, yan ang nais sambitin ng mga labi kong nanlalaban.
Hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari sa ting dalawa.
Ang alam ko'y ikaw lamang, wala nang iba.
Sana'y iyong nakikita ang saya sakin, sa twing mga mata mo'y nakatingin.
Walang kupas. Walang kahambing.
Kung pwede lang itigil ang oras.
Pipiliin ko yung panahong tayo'y magkayakap.
Nakatingin sa alapaap,
lumulutang, naghahanap.
Hindi na muling lilingon pa
Pagkat langit ko'y nasa tabi ko na.
Mahal kita yan lang ang alam.
Paki ingatan nalang ang puso kong sayo'y nakalaan.
Kasabay ng pagsikat ng araw, ay ang bagong pag asa.
Ang hinihiling ngayo'y ikaw na nga sana.
It’s been a very long time, which I’m sure you’re aware of. I’d like to say that it was your decision alone to keep this distance, but I think we both know it was for the best. I’d like to say that I’m glad you are well, but as we both know I have absolutely no idea how you are.
The one thing that can definitely be said is that when we cut ties, we leave no strand behind, but slice right through until we no longer remember how to find each other. It’s amazing to think that once we were inseparable, the best of friends.
You knew me inside and out, and I, you. We were there for each other in the best of times and through the most difficult of times. We definitely managed to put each other through hell on occasion, but when support was needed the most, support was given. Until, of course, that final day.
I sometimes find myself wondering why we couldn’t stay in touch. Would it be so bad if we got together for coffee from time to time? Or if we gave each other a ring to see how the other was doing?
Using the phone to make calls has become archaic, but surely we could send a text to wish each other a happy birthday? Or a happy New Year? I mean, we’ve been through so much. You are a part of my life and there is nothing I can do to ever change that.
You can’t be forgotten because forgetting you would be like forgetting myself — impossible. But then again, maybe you are right. Maybe we are better off as far apart as possible.
We know we aren’t right for each other. We know it would never work, and we know the friendship we have — we had — created a bond that would make slipping back into romance too easy.
It would make repeating the same mistakes too likely, repeating the same heartbreak certain. That’s what it really comes down to: It’s not my heart that I’m worried about, but yours. Breaking my own heart would be my responsibility to bear, but I can’t once again be responsible for breaking yours.
So all that I can do is wish you the best. Wish you a great, bright, loving future. Wish you to find the lover of your dreams and to create a lifetime of your fantasies.
I wish for you to find a friend as great as me, but a much better partner. One who won’t drag you through the mud. One who you won’t feel the need to bury with guilt.
I wish you all the best and although you will never read this, although we will never speak to each other again, and although you are out of my life forever, I wish you nothing short of happiness.
Him and me. We never were a thing, not really. 7 months. Secretly, I’d refer to him as my boyfriend, well only to strangers at least, but he wasn’t. And now we’re over. We never had a title and yet now we’re not even untitled – no ex-so and so – nothing.
It’s funny when you know something needs to end and should end, but you do everything you can to keep it going, even if it means lying to yourself. Just for a little longer you say. I’m young what does it matter you tell yourself. Maybe it doesn’t.
It ended because he wouldn’t give me more and I got sick of expecting less. The worst way to end an undefined thing has got to be because the other person doesn’t care enough to define it. He “feels like an asshole” because he can’t like you as much as you like him, as much as you need him to like you. You feel he is an asshole, but mostly for saying that – actually you’re almost certain of it.
And then you’re left grieving a relationship that never was. It’s similar to most other breakups, I would assume. You delete his contact, but make sure to write it down in a secret notebook in case you change your mind about taking the high road and decide to send him an angry, desperate text. Something that would make him feel really bad for everything – but not bad enough to change his mind. You even think about the way he will tell others about it. He’ll say he felt bad that he couldn’t give you more and you immediately hate how cocky it sounds and wish you could have prevented any of those feelings at all.
You get rid of anything that reminds you of him and try an avoid looking at your phone for texts that will not be coming. You were so used to knowing everything he did throughout the day, how he felt about his parents, his financial troubles, but not anymore.
You even tell yourself you need to wash your sheets, but give yourself a day or two to bask in his scent before erasing it forever – well that and you hate doing laundry.
And then you go out. You go out with your friends, get drunk, and look for someone else. Someone safe. Someone temporary. Not seven months temporary – just temporary.
And maybe in a month he and that period of my life will be as trivial as the time he’ll spend grieving me. That’s what you told me right? In a month I won’t be upset? It annoys me you think that’s how long I’d grieve our non-existent relationship. It annoys me even more that you’re probably right.
"Ang normal na relasyon, nagsisimula pag mahal mo na. Sa'kin, dun nagtatapos" -Unofficially Yours-
It's an odd feeling if you're in the late 20's to hate love and be allergic to affection. But you guys can't blame me, I tried loving (a million and 1 times), lost all in shitty ways, and now I’m forever scarred. Yes I am bitter, but i am better. In ways I and my friends understand. They always tell me it's not hating love that I feel, but the fear of loving and losing it. Yeah, so I guess they are right. But who wouldn't? We all do fear love in some degrees that vary. I’m a coward and I know it.
Love became a stranger to me. The once familiar scent of it comforts me. But now, I feel like it's a weird smell and my nose gets itchy whenever it is around. Well, I just rub it off and walk away. I tried re-acquainting myself to the feeling, but it's not the same. Lemme put it this way, it's like I have a perfect picture of how it is supposed to be in my mind, but when I tried painting it on a canvas with someone, and I always end up painting in black, gray and white. Lifeless, colorless, boring. Till it gets frustrating, then I stop. Throw everything away without batting an eyelash. Coward? Timid? Stiff? Call me whatever, that's just how I feel and how I see it.
Becoming that gay guy I used to hate kinda sucks. Playing games. No attachments, no commitment, no pain. It became convenient like 711. I love the freedom, I love the sex, and I love the friendship with different benefits. Did I feel empty? NO. Did I feel tired? A bit. But that's the beauty of it. I get pissed and bored, I stop. No dramas, no hurt feelings, because everything is a no-strings-attached kinda thing. That's how I roll. I get lonely, I find someone. And when my need for temporary affection gets satisfied, I leave. Then I focus to the things that really matter. Myself, family, friends and career.
I am selfish, I know. For 2 years now, this is romantic love for me. I'll use you for reasons i won’t tell, use me for whatever reasons you have, for all I care. I find it amazing how I find guys that share the same sentiments with me and agree to the set up. But sometimes, one falls deep into the love trap, so once it happens, it's over. We both quit. Their game, my rules. And I tell how the fuck this game will end. Yes there'll be heartaches, especially if I’m the one who fell. But like the set up, the pain is fleeting and can go away with a bottle of jack.
I used to tell everyone that whatever happens, do not lose hope, coz once you do, you'll lose all the chance you may have. But then again if one gets too tired of how this fuckin’ game works, it becomes stressful, from dating till one falls. Then you suddenly feel numb to it, it'll become a habit. Am I cool with this? YES. But till when? I don't know.
Closing my door to love ain’t easy eventho it is not locked. It took me real good time to practice apathy. But my windows are open. I just hope when the one shows up, he is willing to crawl in. I’m not letting my defenses down for I only have one heart. Fallen, broken and mended, thus, I have to guard it by all means possible.
Hey love. It's kinda warm and fuzzy today. It's been what, 5 days since I last saw you and I dunno why I’m missing you, so bad I wanna pull you out of my thoughts. That’s probably why I’ve decided to write about you, about us.
Not to be cheesy or anything, I just wanna tell you everything I feel. In case I haven't told you yet, or haven't made you feel the total potential of my love yet. Here goes...
I Love You.
I don't wanna admit I like you, the first time I saw you, but at that moment, seeing you walk towards me, I was love stoned. Like I’m trying to decipher what you were thinking. If you like me too or you're just out there to play. But when you asked for my name that night, I almost spit the martini on you. Then you smiled and that's it. We danced the night away. Who wouldn’t like you're tall, yuppie, rich physique. I mean, like anyone in the gay world I know would die to have a bite out of that perfectly sculptured body. I was a mess that night, that first night we met. All drunk and make-up smudged. You were still smiling. That smile I won’t forget even if they let me smoke the harshest weed in the world. I was like, damn why the fuck are you smiling? Is my eyeliner on my cheeks now? Then you said, I was amazing (I was thinking then, you haven't seen the bed scene yet and you’re telling me I’m amazing). So the clingy me gave in. I was singing in my head "One Night" by The Corrs. But that night was my first disappointment. You took me home, gave me a kiss and then bye. So much for my happy ending huh.
I’m surprised you called the day after. And the day after that. And during the times that we're together. You never failed to make me feel how happy you are when you're with me. It was too good to be true, it still is till now. I still can't believe it's you, happening to me. It’s US.
Thank You.
Thank you for those times you just let me yell out of frustration form a fight or fatigue from work. You always know that one squeeze of my hand and one kiss will do the trick. Thank you for loving all my crazy friends. You know how much ties mean to me. Thank you for making my nanay laugh like I’ve never heard her laughed before. By the way, she followed your advice to color her hair blonde. Now she looks like short hair Coco Lee. Ha-ha Thank you for being that person I can be comfortable with, for telling me how good I look even without make up. Thank you for those little stuff like not going to sleep yet till I’m at work. Thank you for never failing to pick me up after work. You’re like my driver I didn't sign up for, you know. ;-) Thanks for cutting business trips when you miss me. And to top the perks of having you as a boyfriend, I just love it when you hold my hand in public, walking like a proud boyfriend. And I was like yelling inside my head "yes, I’m his bitch, bitches". I love the way you get mad at me whenever I curse at people, the way you purse your lips whenever you’re uncomfortable. And I love how I throw myself at you when you are mad and uncomfortable, hug you like there's no tomorrow. Thank you for being you, for loving me. You made me, continue making me, experience the love I never imagined existed. Minsan nga iniisip ko what good have I done to deserve you. We'll I guess I was like mother Theresa during my past life that I deserve a great karma in your form.
Most of all, thank you for fixing me. Like a mechanic to a failing car, like a good Cardiologist to an ailing heart. I was a complete mess before I met you. Clinging to people for temporary love which I thought will last. Giving myself short of the love I think I deserve. Allowing people I thought who loved me treat me like shit. I almost lost myself in the process. I’m at the edge of giving up. THEN YOU CAME. You waited and patiently cured me. It’s like Tinkerbelle’s pixie dust, instant euphoria and complete sanity (yeah, the comparison is so gay, but so what). You gave me the medicine that once destroyed me, like that flu vaccine shot we were dreading to take. Love once wrecked me, then you showed me how it felt like. the things I forgot. the feelings I buried. You gave everything in exact proportion, if not overflowing. I wouldn’t go that way again coz I know I have you. I have us.
Alam mo bang you're more than what I’ve prayed for? You are my answered prayer. A friend, a partner, a lover, a tamer, a fixer. All in one.
I love you not only because of all the stuff I mentioned above. It's more than that. Reasons I can’t explain. Or probably, I can’t explain it because it transcends reason. Every day with you is like a fairytale being written. I love how being quiet with you, cuddling, brings that satisfaction I’ve been always craving. Tranquility, Peace, Magic. At first I can’t believe it, being loved like this. You believed in me, and you made me believe in myself too. I know you hate me cursing but I cannot think of any other word to intensify the feeling,
TANGINA, ANG SWERTE KO SA'YO! PARA KANG JACKPOT SA LOTTO!
(You're like a lottery price and I'm lucky to have you)
And tonight, I’m bringing you back to the place where we first met. Only different, you are now in a place where you should be, in my heart. And me in yours. I'll never get tired of you. And about that question you asked 5 days ago that I said I’ll think about...
YES, I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. I LOVE YOU...
2:00 a.m. Tired from work, i just got out of the van walking my way to our haus. I-pod set to shuffle mode. then the music began to play.
"Oh-Ooh... So Much for my Happy Ending..."
As if on cue, my right hand began to move. from fingers... to wrist... to elbow... on perfect synchrony from the cold breeze blowing on my face. Strong yet relaxing. Then the left arm followed making a perfect line on a la seconde position. waving... a little bit of head bobbing.
"You were all the things i thought i new, and i thought we could be..."
"You were everything, everything that i wanted. we were meant to be supposed to be but we lost it..."
Slight head bobbing turned to violent banging. with free movements of the hands and body, a violent yet artistic scene like crumping turned lyrical. then a double pirouette. Turns... kicks... jumps... Head and arm throws... On a pale moon light. The wind spoke to me.
...You are a dancer...
It wasn't clear if it's a statement or an interrogation. still i continued dancing then i replied thru movement. I used to believe i'm a dancer. with angst and all due respect. They made me feel and realize that i'm not after all.
"All this time i was pretending. so much for my happy ending"
On Right leg front extension with the left leg on fondu. Segue to arabesque, to enveloppe, a hitch turn then grand jete. I feel light. Then the wind spoke again.
...You are a dancer... But now you are dancing for yourself...
Then the lyrical movement continued to pour out of my body epressing angst, anger, frustrations. heavy movements yet each compliments and connects with each other. A right turn followed by right leg developpe a la seconde on flexed foot and head throw to the left. I feel the pain of each muscle as i stretch every single limb. but it's numbing and somehow soothing. This is my last dance.
On cue... The music faded... "So Much For My Happy Ending..." I pressed the doorbell button..
