-Unofficially Yours-
It's an odd feeling if you're in the late 20's to hate love and be allergic to affection. But you guys can't blame me, I tried loving (a million and 1 times), lost all in shitty ways, and now I’m forever scarred. Yes I am bitter, but i am better. In ways I and my friends understand. They always tell me it's not hating love that I feel, but the fear of loving and losing it. Yeah, so I guess they are right. But who wouldn't? We all do fear love in some degrees that vary. I’m a coward and I know it.
Love became a stranger to me. The once familiar scent of it comforts me. But now, I feel like it's a weird smell and my nose gets itchy whenever it is around. Well, I just rub it off and walk away. I tried re-acquainting myself to the feeling, but it's not the same. Lemme put it this way, it's like I have a perfect picture of how it is supposed to be in my mind, but when I tried painting it on a canvas with someone, and I always end up painting in black, gray and white. Lifeless, colorless, boring. Till it gets frustrating, then I stop. Throw everything away without batting an eyelash. Coward? Timid? Stiff? Call me whatever, that's just how I feel and how I see it.
Becoming that gay guy I used to hate kinda sucks. Playing games. No attachments, no commitment, no pain. It became convenient like 711. I love the freedom, I love the sex, and I love the friendship with different benefits. Did I feel empty? NO. Did I feel tired? A bit. But that's the beauty of it. I get pissed and bored, I stop. No dramas, no hurt feelings, because everything is a no-strings-attached kinda thing. That's how I roll. I get lonely, I find someone. And when my need for temporary affection gets satisfied, I leave. Then I focus to the things that really matter. Myself, family, friends and career.
I am selfish, I know. For 2 years now, this is romantic love for me. I'll use you for reasons i won’t tell, use me for whatever reasons you have, for all I care. I find it amazing how I find guys that share the same sentiments with me and agree to the set up. But sometimes, one falls deep into the love trap, so once it happens, it's over. We both quit. Their game, my rules. And I tell how the fuck this game will end. Yes there'll be heartaches, especially if I’m the one who fell. But like the set up, the pain is fleeting and can go away with a bottle of jack.
I used to tell everyone that whatever happens, do not lose hope, coz once you do, you'll lose all the chance you may have. But then again if one gets too tired of how this fuckin’ game works, it becomes stressful, from dating till one falls. Then you suddenly feel numb to it, it'll become a habit. Am I cool with this? YES. But till when? I don't know.
Closing my door to love ain’t easy eventho it is not locked. It took me real good time to practice apathy. But my windows are open. I just hope when the one shows up, he is willing to crawl in. I’m not letting my defenses down for I only have one heart. Fallen, broken and mended, thus, I have to guard it by all means possible.
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