Your Own Way

Have you ever regret things so bad that your only option is either turning back time or just stopping it to stop the pain.

Well i did, i still do.

It wasn't really love at first sight. Pero it grew to something that even i didnt expect i would feel. It started late january 2007, naisip ko birthday gift saken ni god.

Everyday we're together, noon ko lang naramdaman yung magical experience na when he looks at you, even without saying a word, alam mong grabe yung love. Hindi sya yung tipong madaming salita, pero over delivered. He didnt met my expectations, he was far better than what i expected.

Everything was surreal. Picking me up after work, planning my day ahead, letting me fall asleep on his arms, waking up with him staring at me. Kala ko dati sa movies lang nangyayari. I must admit i became complacent and comfortable. I let small things pass without saying thank you. Random sweet things pass without being appreciated. Even when we fight, he was always the level headed one to patch things up between us. But i didnt put it up without making him suffer. Those were the days i felt i took his love for granted. Nasasaktan ako na nakikita syang nasasaktan. Pero back den, mas importante yung pride kaya minsan, hinahayaan ko nalang. It was so arrogant on my side but he didnt care, all he cared about was us, together.

So everything went perfectly after the 2nd year of our relationship. I have to say both of us became mature in dealing with our emotions. No more petty quarrels, no more childish moodswings. It was perfect. That at that point in my life, i told myself that this is the life that i want till i die. It hit me that even tho i seldom go to church, God blessed me with a wonderful man. Who loves me, who thinks everything about me is perfect, who thinks my imperfections are still perfect. Nobody looked at me the way he did. I even wrote a wedding vow that i dint tell him coz he might freak out. He's not a big fan of weddings. Even now, remembering those bouts of heaven that i used to feel gives me chills. I was loved. True and unconditional. A love that didnt judge. A love i can trust.

Things happened, and all was out of our own control. He flew back to CA and i was left here. First it was supposed to be 3 months. That became 6, then to 1 year. I swallowed everything. But it became too much. It was then when i decided to just call it off. It involved days of hard thinking. As most of my friends know, it's not about the long distance thing that killed me, its the fact that he wants to live his life there, and im not a part of it.

Ngayon ko lang sasabihin to. The real reason why i broke up with him is not because of my selfish needs of being with him, it's because i came to this realization that he already gave 2 maybe 3 years of his life living for me. Maybe it's about time na i let him live his life for himself. A selfless but really painful decision on my part. I want things to be easy for the both of us so i tried dating people i dont even like and deliberately let him know so he'll get mad at me and go on with his life without thinking of me. He did go on. But i cant.

Hindi ko akalain na dadarating sa part na kasama pala sa living his life ang palitan ako. We'll i know i shouldve anticipated that. Pero wala naman nag sabi sakin na ganon pala kasakit. Na those happy, love quotes were used to be mine. Thinking na ako dapat yung katabi nya bago sya matulog, and sya dapat yung una kong makikita after ko gumising. I remember one break up that we had before, sabi saken nung friend nya, the break up was the easiest part, yung mahirap, pag isa samen nag move on na. With somebody else. I just shrugged it off coz back then i didnt understand what she was talking about. Now i do.

Now i dont know where to start. Im broken as hell. Its like all my dreams of fairy tales and true love came all in a landslide, crushing me. Well, wala na kong magagawa jan.

Ako dapat yan e. Ako dapat yung nagpapasaya sa kanya e. Ako dapat yung sinasabihan nya pag bad day sya sa work or pag may masaya sa araw nya e.
Ako dapat yung sinasabihan nya ng mga ganyan e.

If part of living your life for yourself means living it again inloved with somebody else, then i guess i just have to deal with it.

I'll miss you.

(this will be the last time ill be writing about this, about us. I just have to let everything out)

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The Alcoholic Diary

*a repost from my old blog*

04.25.09
6pm +8 GMT



...Di ako mapakali. Sana 930 na so i can dress up and go to the club. but wala akong choice. i waited. pour myself a glass of vodka+sprite and cherry syrup.
...Then another glass.
 
7 pm, still on the same timezone, what do u expect.
...Choosing what to wear with my mom's favorite apple bacardi with mountain dew. sarap sobra. I had 2 glasses.
...waited till 930.
...tossed and turned on the couch, ate dinner then finally.
 
930 pm
... Took a bath, fix my hair, put my liner and my Bronzer on, still with apple bacardi on my make up table.
...after an hour, swoooosh... perfection. and I'm ready go.
... finally 1 sip and a puff of marls. 30 mins after i was at "the spot"
 
11pm.
...Strong ice, one after the other. saw some friends there who kept giving me jager shots, cuervo, even patron. and i'm lovin it. party on.
...An hour later, i was so fucked up and this dude gave me a glass of freakin long island iced tea for a dance showdown with his cousin. syempre alcohol, i said yes.
...Everything was blurry na. All i can hear are people screaming and cheering. And eto pa mga weirdest things na naalala ko.
+Parang somehow napunta ko sa ilalim ng mesa while doing the shitty showdown coz i can remember how it looked like, vividly.
+I was doing the bottle pop dance by PCD, yung naka split tapos nagbbounce. damn! and  did it with jeans on.
+a cartwheel, that i remember. but some sort of rolling around followed. so i got nauseated.
+i remember slapping some gay guy a couple of times in the face. i don't know why.

Probably 2am
... I got probably tired from all the dancing and rolling around. so i sat on the bar and guess what i ordered.
yes... LONG ISLAND ICED TEA.
...
...I lost track of time already. the next thing i know is that i was going out of the bar. everything went to black... yes folks, i passed out on a freakin pavement.
...
...
When i opened my eyes. I wasn't on my bed. I don't even know who's bed that was. I can't even stand up coz my knees are swollen like hell and i have the worst hangover one can imagine.
 
04.26.09
10am
...I called my friend to pick me up. there i got home safe.
...Sinumpa ko ba alcohol?...
Nah. i don't think so. can't wait for the weekend to party and get pretty fucked up again.
But no more dance showdowns and swollen knees, i Promise. ;-)

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